The Right To Mutilate Thy Flesh

Has anyone else heard about this?

In Clayton, NC, a 14 year old girl was suspended from school for having a nose piercing. Now, I do not disagree with this; the school has a rigid dress-code that they are adhering to, and this girl’s nose piercing violates that dress code. Had I tried to pull some shit like that when I was in school, I’m sure that I would have been suspended as well, until I agreed to remove the offending object. However, this girl and her mother are fighting the school board’s decision by saying…
Are you ready for this?

The school board’s decision violates the girl’s first amendment rights.

Oh, and it gets worse.

Apparently, the nose piercing is a religious symbol. That religion?

Nope, not Hindu. The girl belongs to the Church Of Body Modification.

If this is not the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of, then I don’t know what is. This “Church” has its own website (so it must be a real thing!!!) on which it declares its Statement of Faith, which includes “We believe our bodies belong only to ourselves and are a whole and integrated entity: mind, body, and soul. We maintain we have the right to alter them for spiritual and other reasons.”

OK, so the backbone of your religion is your desire to deform yourself through piercing, tattoos, and needless implants?

Where is the actual foundation of this religion? According to Wikipedia, religion is “the belief in and worship of a god or gods, or a set of beliefs concerning the origin and purpose of the universe.” How does a nose piercing concern the origins of the universe? Does it represent the Earth, while the left nostril is the sun, and the placement of the piercing represents the rotation of the universe in the cosmic soup that is a 14 year old girl’s face?

These people are freaks. They should be treated as freaks and looked down upon with shame and derision. To assemble themselves under a common goal of altering their physical bodies and proclaiming that desire as a “religion”… there is something seriously wrong with these people (if they can still be called that).

With that said, I have decided to help them out. Since a religion needs a deity to worship, I have collected a small sample from which to choose; people who represent the ideals behind body modification.

Henry Rollins

With an immense amount of tattoos, Rollins is unafraid to change his body’s appearance and add some sort of adornment to his skin. However, with the Church of Body Modification’s flair for anything painful, even Rollins, despite his badass-ness throughout his career, may be considered too tame.

Christina Aguilera

This bubble-gum pop star has 11 body piercings and a few tattoos… and we all know that those aren’t her only “body modifications.”

Jocelyn Wildenstein

The epitome of body modification, Jocelyn has undergone numerous plastic surgeries to make herself resemble a cat. Many religions (most of them recognized as real religions) worship some sort of animal totem, such as the Hindi god Ganesh, or the Roman god Faunus. Clearly, Wildenstein exemplifies the CoBM’s ideals in the sense that she is no longer human, and she has the power to scare small children. The best of both worlds!

The Back Up

Last month, I posted a list of some of the dumbest inventions on the market. Unironically, many of these products were originally marketed via television Infomercials. A short time after that post, I saw another infomercial that I figured should have been mentioned within that post.

The Back Up is a device that you place between your mattress and boxspring, which adds two hooks to the side of your bed, giving you a place to store your shotgun. According to the website, 70% of people consider their shotgun as a form of home protection. Thus, the Back Up Plan is way to stay safe in the case of a home invasion while you sleep.

I understand its purpose, but I think this is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. This is clearly the kind of product that would be popular in the South. It’s the bedside equivalent of having a gun rack in a pick up truck. I mean, really? A shotgun attached to my bed? What kinds of accidents does this thing create?

But seeing the Back Up got me to thinking. What other ways can it be used? It seems like a handy device, but since I don’t own a shotgun, I can’t really relate to it. I’ve listed here a selection of other products that can be used with the Back Up.

What if you wake up in the middle of the night with a joke in mind? Well, worry no more. Now, your humor props are always on hand.

Do you get hungry in the middle of the night? Are you 700 pounds and bed ridden? Then the Back Up is our solution.

How about some hot, on-the-spot, lesbian action? Here ya go!

So I guess the Back Up does have some practical uses. I just feel that the creators are not marketing it correctly. If they through some of these uses into their advertising, I can guarantee that they will sell so many more units.

Think they will offer me a job for this?

The 82nd Academy Awards

I’m not a fan of award shows. I never have been. I feel that anyone who can accomplish the things that I can’t deserves accolades and that isn’t something that can be quantified. Yes, there are bad movies and musicians, but they have done something that I haven’t, so good for them. To have their faces rubbed in the fact that someone else did things better than they have is just mean.

Regardless of this, my girlfriend made me watch the 82nd Annual Academy Awards last night. Strangely, I enjoyed the experience more than I thought I would.

Don’t get me wrong. It was an overly excruciating experience. But there were a few highlights.

Watching the tag-team comedy of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin was painful. Alec Baldwin just seemed to be in a fog through the entire show. Steven Martin proved himself capable to host the show alone, so I question the inclusion of Alec Baldwin. However, I did laugh harder than I expected to at their Paranormal Activity spoof. Between that and Ben Stiller dressed as a Na’vi from Avatar were about the only two things I laughed at. But not the entire Ben Stiller act. The premise was amusing, but got less funny each time he mocked himself. It wasn’t until his outburst with the special effects guy controlling his tail that I really cracked up. After that, though, it all went to hell.

It’s a well known fact that the Oscars have issues with time. More often than not, the show runs over its intended time slot, due to the number of speeches, tributes, and “comedy” acts that they work into the show. Well, this year, a lot of that was cut out, including the full musical numbers for the Best Song category. Yet it somehow managed to last until midnight, making it a half hour longer than it was intended to be. And they ended it abruptly, with jarring results.

Prior to the announcement of the winner in both categories of Best Actor and Actress , a short tribute was given to each of the nominees from people close to them. While this was very touching in a unique kind of way, it was also unnecessary. It used up so much time that when it came down to Best Picture, the category that most people care about and the one that means the most, in my opinion, Tom Hanks literally came on stage and read the winner. There was no introduction or recap of the nominees. It was basically “I’m Tom Hanks. And the winner is…” What? Granted, they did take time throughout the show to showcase each of the nominees in the category, but over the course of 3 plus hours, I had completely forgotten who was in the running. I think, also, the decision to include 10 nominees in the Best Picture category was definite overkill. Let’s face it; most of those chosen had no chance. So what was the point? To say that it’s the first time since 1943 that 10 films were nominated? Clearly, there’s no precedence, so clearly there’s no need.

I was glad to see that Avatar did not win Best Picture. In fact, it won fewer awards than I expected it to. I’ll admit that I haven’t seen Avatar and I really have no intentions of doing so. I am probably one of the few geeks on Earth who will say this, but I’m really tired of James Cameron. From everything I’ve read about it, Avatar is nothing original. It seems like a CG remake of Disney’s Pocahontas and really unnecessary. For it to win the Best Picture award would have been a travesty. I’m glad our society hasn’t come to that.

A couple of shockers happened as well. Sandra Bullock won Best Actress. Who saw that coming? While I don’t necessarily think she deserved it, a claim I can’t make not having seen her performance, I’m not mad that she won. I may not be a fan, but Bullock is a hard working actress and all I have to say is good for her. I was also surprised to see Sean Penn at the Oscars. In the past, he avoided the Academy Awards like the plague, so to see him there was quite strange. Has his opinion of the academy changed over the years? More than likely, he lost a bet to someone. We will see next year. Also, why wasn’t Farrah Fawcett part of their ‘In Memoriam’ tribute? Michael Jackson was included, and he isn’t known for his acting skills. That was an unforgivable mistake.

Other than that, the Oscars were pretty much what I expected. I hated the dance sequence for Best Original Score. I felt it lent nothing to the music and actually detracted from the fantastic scores it was meant to pay homage to. There were enough self aggrandizing speeches, such as Sandy Powell’s proclamation of “I already have two of these…” after winning for Best Costume Design. She did her best to back-pedal by trying to dedicate the win to all of the costume designers who get overlooked every year, but the damage was done.

Two things really stuck out and moved me in a way that I couldn’t expect from the Academy Awards. The first was the tribute to John Hughes, presented by Matthew Broderick and Molly Ringwald. The honor they bestowed on Hughes was very sweet and sentimental. After a short video homage, Broderick and Ringwald were joined onstage by Jon Cryer, Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy, and Macauly Culkin. They each related a memory of Hughes, and it was almost heartbreaking to see Macauly Culkin on the verge of tears. But my favorite moment of the night was Michael Giacchino’s acceptance speech after winning Best Score for his work on Up. He told a short story about how his parents never told him his hobby of movie-making when he was younger was a waste of time. He relayed this message to everyone who doesn’t have the same support system that he did. His point was that if you love what you do, then it’s not a waste of time. I thought this was the most touching and self-sacrificing acceptance speech that I have heard in years.

I don’t regret watching the Oscar’s. However, I probably won’t be doing it again; at least not of my own volition. But I am glad that there was very little that morally offended me. Granted, most of the show’s winners were fairly obvious, but the few that came out of left field were enough to shake up the academy. And it’s about damn time.

Images courtesy Newszine and Huffington Post. Click images to visit respective stories.

Alice In Wonderland

When Tim Burton steps behind the camera to direct a movie you know that you’re in store for a visually stunning, well directed epic with a few touches on the macabre and deranged. Just look at his canon: Edward Scissorhands, Big Fish, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and many others. So to hear that he is helming a project like Alice In Wonderland, which is already known for it’s strange imagery and insane characters, then clearly this is a marriage made in cinematic heaven.

Burton’s take on Alice In Wonderland deviates slightly from the premise of the books, in that it stars an older Alice, around 19 years old, who has no recollection that she visited Wonderland as a little girl, making this more of a sequel that an adaptation. This may bother a few Alice aficionados, and truthfully frightened me slightly upon first hearing of it, but it leads to a great new story that creates more closure than what was provided by Through the Looking Glass.

From the beginning, Alice is portrayed as being a little odd. She has an active imagination and flouts common tradition. After discovering that she is on the receiving end of an unwanted engagement, she runs off after a curious little rabbit and finds herself tumbling down a large hole. After reaching Underland (as it’s referred to by its residents) she meets a few interesting characters, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee and the White Rabbit. They take her to see the Blue Caterpillar, who informs them that this is not “the Alice.” A prophecy states that on the Frabjous Day, ‘Alice’ will be the one to slay the Jabberwocky. It was the White Rabbit’s mission to go top-side and find Alice so that she can fulfill the prophecy.

Most of the Alice In Wonderland lore is well-woven into Tim Burton’s vision. From the meeting of the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, to the introduction of The Cheshire Cat, Burton’s interpretations ring true to the source material. But Burton puts his own twist on things by using some bizarre imagery (a tiny Alice using floating heads as stepping stones to cross a grotesque moat comes to mind). But these are the sorts of things we have come to expect from Tim Burton. He pulls it off quite well.

Much of the film’s success will likely be due to Johnny Depp. In recent memory, Depp has been able to bring depth and charm to even the shallowest of characters. He has even shown audiences that he can play grand and twisted characters like Willy Wonka and Sweeny Todd. So Burton’s choice of Depp as the Mad Hatter seems to make sense. And for the most part, it works. Although there were a few things that I questioned, such as Depp’s numerous outbreaks into a Scottish accent. I assume this was intentional to help drive home the point of just how mad the Hatter is, but most of it seemed unnecessary. I also failed to see the humor in the Hatter’s dance at the end of the film. It worked for Bruce Willis in The Last Boy Scout because of how downplayed and comical it was. But the other characters took the Hatter far too seriously at this point, and it just lacked whatever Burton and the writer were trying to accomplish.

The other actors manage their parts fairly well, although nothing overly spectacular. Helena Bonham Carter really shone as the Red Queen, bringing to life her maniacal instability with aplomb. Anne Hathaway didn’t do much with the role of the White Queen, adding very little other than being a mechanism to move the plot forward. I was slightly surprised to see Crispin Glover in the film, and, in the end, could have done without him. His character served merely as a villainous foil and most likely could have been written out of the script. Alan Rickman and Stephen Fry provide their voice talents to the roles of the Blue Caterpillar and the Cheshire Cat respectively. Though their roles are merely spoken, they manage the characters well and add a little extra credibility to the cast lineup. Mia Wasikowska plays Alice nicely, though she really is up against no other competition in the role.

I can’t comment on the 3D of the film, having seen it in standard 2D, which is fine with me. The fact that so many movies are being released in 3D lately is beginning to annoy me since I see very little redeeming qualities in the choice. I was, however, worried that by seeing Alice In Wonderland in 2D would be just as irritating with all of the distracting 3D elements, but that wasn’t the case. The editors and special effects guys must have done a fantastic job with the 3D so that it doesn’t detract from a standard viewing, and I much appreciate that.

Though not perfect, Alice In Wonderland is a brilliant movie. Guided by Tim Burton’s vision, it’s a fantastic reimagining of the classic tale. Burton weaves the wonderful scenery with some grisly imagery which makes me wonder about its suitability for children; but all in all, the bright colors and wacky characters will manage to draw and hold their attention. If you’re a fan of Burton or the Alice stories, you will enjoy this.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths

Ever since Justice League: The New Frontier, the animated movies from DC have just disappointed me. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed them, but they didn’t really live up to my standard or the standard set by New Frontier. However, just as I was beginning to lose faith in DC, they release Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths. While it still doesn’t meet the standard that New Frontier set, Crisis on Two Earths has been the best full-length animated feature DC has put out in a while.


Despite its name, Crisis on Two Earths is loosely based on the 1999 series Earth 2, written by Grant Morrison, as well as a short storyarc from 1964. It was originally planned to be released years ago under the title of World’s Collide and meant to bridge the gap between the television series’ Justice League and Justice League: Unlimited. However, due to staffing issues, it was shelved and later reworked to what we have here.

The story itself is fairly straight forward, serving as little more than a device to string together overblown fight scenes. A heroic Lex Luthor travels through to an alternate Earth to seek help from the Justice League to bring down his world’s Crime Syndicate, whose members happen to be evil versions of the Justice League. However, Crisis gets into some of characterization that was sorely missing from DC’s other animated outings, most specifically with the Batman counterpart, Owlman. Through this character we see the kind of person that Batman could have been, and in many respects should have been, given the trauma of his past. Unfortunately, Owlman is the only character that is privileged with any sort of depth, which is disappointing.

The voice actors were mostly well played. James Woods performed Owlman superbly; though I’m not a fan of Woods, his talent lent a nice touch to the character. William Baldwin also surprised me. Cast as Batman, Baldwin was able to portray the brooding hero as I never expected him to. I’m sad to sad I was disappointed with Mark Harmon. I love Mark Harmon and his work on NCIS, but I don’t think his voice was a good pick for Superman. Though he did what he could with the character, he failed to command the admiration and authority that other actors were able to depict. My favorite, however, was Brian Bloom in the role of Ultraman. With the Crime Syndicate being a super-powered version on the Mafia, Bloom brought the right amount of commanding resonance of Superman with the New Jersey-cynicism of Tony Soprano. A very nice touch indeed.

Where Crisis on Two Earths falls flat is in the characterization. We are given a set of six all-different characters that are similar to heroes we know, but completely different, yet the writers go into no detail about them. DC continues to choose action over exposition and it’s becoming dull. What happened to these characters to make them choose the wrong path? Owlman explains that the multiverse sprang forth from all outcomes of every possible decision; so what decisions did these villains make? Why is Super Woman the psychopath she claims to be? At what point did Ultraman decide that humanity should fear him? Ultraman is the perfect example. Judging by his accent, he more than likely landed on the New Jersey Turnpike as opposed to Smallville, Kansas, and didn’t have the small-town, do-gooder upbringing that Jonathan and Martha Kent could provide. So, what happened to him? The writers don’t care to go into it.

Even though it surpasses the features that preceded it, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths could have been so much more than what it became. It’s a good movie for anyone who is not a huge fan of the characters (admittedly, myself) to jump on board and enjoy. Since it doesn’t tie into any continuity, viewers aren’t likely to get lost or confused. But this also should have been the excuse the writers needed to actually do something with the characters.

While it was better than the rest, Crisis on Two Earths, for all intents and purposes, should have been better.

DC used the release of Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths to present a sample of their newest series, DC Showcase by adding a short feature of The Spectre to the disc. After everything I’ve seen, I’d have to say that this was a good choice.

The animation for The Spectre is the most interesting thing DC has put out in a while. Clearly styled like a Japanese anime, is has a lot of quick cuts and obscure close-ups. The style also imitated a damaged film reel, with lines, dirt, and watermarks superimposed over the image to make it look much older than it is.

Clearly DC was looking to create some sort of throwback animation, an aspect that shows through the music as well. The soundtrack sounds like it was taken from a Blacksploitation film from the 70s, with some funky reverb straight out of the old-time horror movies. I certainly approve.

The Spectre is also a lot more graphic than I would have expected from a mainstream animation studio like Warner Brothers. It caught me by surprise somewhat, but I liked seeing a grittier side to DC. Judging by this, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the PG-13 rating on the disc is because of The Spectre.

The inclusion of The Spectre on Crisis on Two Earths really salvages the special features section, which has been lagging on their past few films. The other special features include first looks at Green Lantern: First Flight and Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (first look? We’ve already seen these) and trailers for Naruto Shippuden: The Movie and Halo Legends (no, thanks). The only other original content is Wonder Woman: The Amazon Princess, which shows a history of the character of Wonder Woman, and a first look at Batman: Under the Red Hood. Judging from this featurette, Under the Red Hood looks awesome. I just hope DC doesn’t screw it up.

Though I would recommend Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths to anyone interested in these kinds of movies, the inclusion of The Spectre really makes the purchase worthwhile.

Shutter Island

Originally, I was excited to see Shutter Island based on the crew creating it. This isn’t a run-of-the-mill Martin Scorsese movie, which definitely intrigued me. Add to the mix some Leonardo DiCaprio, who I’ve grown to respect over the past couple of years, and Mark Ruffalo, an over-looked, under-respected actor in my opinion, and you have the recipe for a good movie.

And for the most part, Shutter Island was good. Scorsese does a great job building suspense throughout the entire film. He gives his characters understandable motivation, and evokes believable performances from his actors. But even with all of this, something is missing.

DiCaprio plays Teddy Daniels, a detective who goes to Shutter Island, home to a mental hospital for the criminally insane, to investigate a missing persons report. Mark Ruffalo accompanies him as his newly assigned partner. During the investigation, things start getting bizarre for Daniels. He begins to have weird visions/dreams of events that occurred in his past, and these visions begin to take their toll on him physically.

Scorsese makes Daniels an interesting character. As a World War II vet, Daniels has seen some of the most horrifying events. Couple that with the violent death of his wife, and he becomes a tortured man. However, he has a mission that he intends to fulfill at any cost. DiCaprio gives Daniels that touch of human he needs in order to be believable and not just another theatrical caricature.

Shutter Island wasn’t written for a director like Scorsese. Scorsese has managed to make brilliant films from even the most boring premises (has anyone else seen Kundun?) but he lacks something in Shutter Island. Toward the middle of the film, you begin to wonder if it’s Scorsese behind the lens, and by the end of the film, you’re convinced it was actually M. Night Shaymalan. Unfortunately, this is what Shutter Island feels like. The movie thinks it comes to a respectable conclusion, but it doesn’t. Its finale answers questions, but then forces the audience to questions some things that made sense earlier.

While I can’t say that Shutter Island was bad, because I did enjoy the build up and the suspense, I can’t say that it was good, either. It was meant to be the kind of film that makes you say ‘whoa,’ but sadly, it’s a film that makes you say ‘wha…?’

5 Useless Inventions

Have you ever stayed up late at night watching infomercials on cable? Have you ever seen some of the useless shit out there? I have, and it irritates the hell out of me. Here are the 5 most annoying products being sold on TV.

5: Shoe Stands
While maybe having some validity to help organize the bottom of your closet, Shoe Stands just look ridiculous. While I concede their practicality, I feel that Shoe Stands are more of a nuisance than a help. Imagine having to take something out of your shoe each time you want to wear them. Then, at the end of the day, you have to place the thing back into the shoe. Where do you store that thing until the time you need it again? It’s just too much work just to wear a pair of shoes. Go with the Shoes-Under or one of those things that hang on the back of the closet door with pockets big enough to put the shoes in. This makes more sense to me.

4: Pasta Pronta
The act of boiling water too difficult to master? Like using just one cylindrical tube to make your dinner? Then the Pasta Pronta is for you. Put the pasta in the tube, add boiling water, and dinner is done. Seriously? It’s too difficult to boil the pasta in the water? See, I have to boil the water to add to the tube. So, if I’m boiling the water, I can make the pasta in the water. What do I need the Pasta Pronta for? It seems like a middle man to me. But what if I need to make sauce? I can’t add boiling water to my sauce in the Pasta Pronta; that would water down the sauce and ruin the flavor. So do I need to buy the Sauce Pronta too? How much will this cost me? I mean, besides my self-esteem and rationality. But, if I can’t cook pasta then I must not have these things to begin with.

3: The No-Touch Hand Soap System from Lysol
According to Lysol, makers of quality germ killing products, there are hundreds of bacteria living on my soap dispenser. Their solution to this problem is that I purchase a motion-activated soap dispenser that ensures I don’t have to touch anything and transfer those nasty bacteria to my hands. Is this supposed to make sense? Because it doesn’t. By touching the soap dispenser, I have pretty much committed to the act of washing my hands. Were I to transfer and bacteria to my hands through physical contact with said dispenser, those bacteria would then be killed by that act of washing. So why do I need a touchless soap dispenser? Easy answer; I don’t. This is clearly Lysol’s bid to cash in on the anti-bacteria hype/psychosis spreading throughout the country.

2: The Grill DaddyYet another invention playing on the fears of the American public. The Grill Daddy claims, by filling it with water and spraying it on the grill, that it will sanitize the grill as it cleans away the grime. Now, correct me if I’m wrong (which I am not so there is no need to correct me) but doesn’t water turn to steam at 212 degrees? Meanwhile, a grill can heat to 600 degrees and above. So it is not the steam that sanitizes the grill but the grill that sanitizes the grill. So why does the Grill Daddy insist on misleading me? Yes, it ma clean my grill wonderfully, but don’t lie and say that the steam will sanitize my grill. That’s just wrong.

1: The Snuggie
Yes, I’ll admit there are plenty of good features about the Snuggie. Having your hands free to do things is useful, as opposed to them being trapped under a blanket. So why is it on my list? Because it’s designed to be a backwards bathrobe, a nifty piece of clothing that has been around for years. So what’s the deal with this Snuggie craze? One idiot decides to wear his bathrobe backwards then sells his idiot friends similar bathrobes, instructing them on the intricacies of wearing them backwards? I mean, I guy John Q. Snuggie, or whatever the guy’s name is, all the credit in the world, seeing as how he probably made a mint by reversing an already existing patent. I just wish that people would be able to recognize the Snuggie for what it is.

BONUS USELESS PRODUCT:


Butler Toilet
I don’t even want to know why someone thought of this. Also comes in Flamingo.