A Conversation Between Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay

After seeing Transformers 3, I really have to imagine that the pre-planning stage consisted of a conversation similar to this one. (Ummm... well... Spoilers, I guess)

Michael Bay: (Knocks sheepishly on door) You wanted to see me Steve?
Steven Spielberg: (Looking up from counting the stacks of money on his desk) Ahh, yes, Michael. Come on in.
Michael Bay: (Walks in and sits in an empty chair across from Steven Spielberg. Reaches into his TRANSFORMERS 3 Burger King bag, pulling out handful of french fries and stuffs them into his mouth)
Steven Spielberg: (Takes a long sip of his COWBOYS & ALIENS themed Slurpee cup) Now Michael, I wanted to talk to you about Transformers 3.
Michael Bay: Yeah, yeah. I'm so excited to be doing another Transformers movie. (Bits of chewed french fry litter the front of Steven Spielberg's desk. Michael Bay looks at it, embarassed) Sorry, Steve. Let me get that. (Pulls out a wad of hundred dollar bills and sweeps the crumbs from Steven Spielberg's desk)
Steven Spielberg: Thanks. Now anyway, as you know, Transformers 2 was shit. I mean, more than shit, really.
Michael Bay: Wait a minute... I made a lot of money from that movie.
Steven Spielberg: Yes, and you shit on a lot of childhoods in the process. Now, what I'm suggesting is we go in a different direction for the third film.
Michael Bay: Yeah, like what? The Autobots fall asleep for two thousand years and when they wake up they're surrounded by aliens?
Steven Spielberg: Ha, ha. Yeah, OK. You got me there. But anyway. I really think we should do something different. Like, make it make sense or something.
Michael Bay: (stares blankly at Steven Spielberg) I'm not following.
Steven Spielberg: (sighs) Well, most movies follow a logical progressive, where the audience can... You know what? Doesn't matter. Let's start with this these two Mini-Coopers or whatever they are. Skidmark and Mudbutt.
Michael Bay: Skids and Mudflap. They're funny, right?
Steven Spielberg: No. They aren't. They're horrible. Gone. Out. Let's do something else.
Michael Bay: How about... a Lamborghini...
Steven Spielberg: ...OK. I can see that.
Michael Bay: ...With a Staten Island accent! How funny would that be?
Steven Spielberg: What if we try not to stereotype the robots? Maybe the Lamborghini has an Italian accent?
Michael Bay: (stares blankly at Steven Spielberg) You mean, like, Super Mario?
Steven Spielberg: (shakes head)
Michael Bay: Wait! I got a great idea for a new robot. How about a Jeep, with a rollbar that becomes the robot wee-wee? Kids love penis jokes!
Steven Spielberg: No, Michael. You love penis jokes. We aren't doing that.
Michael Bay: Awww... Come on! I put balls on the Devestator! I have a reputation to uphold.
Steven Spielberg: Fine. OK. How about a long, undulating worm-like robot. Is that enough of a phallic symbol for you?
Michael Bay: What's a phallic symbol?
Steven Spielberg: (muttering to himself) You expected something different from the guy who made Armageddeon?
Michael Bay: What was that?
Steven Spielberg: Nothing. What other ideas do you have?
Michael Bay: Well, I would like to include a scene that intimates gay sex in a stall in a men's room.
Steven Spielberg: OK. Fine. Whatever. What about the movie?
Michael Bay: Movie?
Steven Spielberg: Yes. The movie. What's the plot?
Michael Bay: (scratches head) Plot?
Steven Spielberg: (pushes himself up from desk and ushers Michael Bay from the office) You know what? I'll take care of the rest. Just make sure you show up on set and call Action, OK?
Michael Bay: (claps excitedly) Yay! OK! (stops in doorway) Just one more thing.
Steven Spielberg: What? What? What the fuck do you want, Michael?
Michael Bay: Can we give Megatron an ascot?

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