On Sunday, I woke up with a killer throat ache. I didn't pay it much mind, just figuring that my allergies and post nasal drip were acting up. Then, Monday, I went to work and got that achy feeling throughout my body and my chest felt heavy. That's when I realized the extent of my illness.
Even though I feel much better today than I did yesterday, I called out of work anyway. (I'm always looking for reasons to call out of work.) Apparently, being ill makes you watch bad movies.
It started off with Earth Girls Are Easy. It's been years since I've seen this, and I forgot how bad it was. Even though both Jim Carey and Damon Wayans are in it, their comedic genius could do nothing to save it. Probably because the film centers around Geena Davis and Jeff Goldblum, and a love affair that no one could care about. I eventually turned it off, but not until the middle of Julie Brown singing "I'm a Blonde" and dancing on the beach. Terrible.
After that came Warriors of Virtue. I had almost forgotten that this movie existed. It came out around the time that I worked as an usher in a movie theater. Even then, at the tender age of 17, I realized what a steamy pile of crap this movie is. The acting is terrible, with Angus MacFadyen doing his worst impression of Eddie Izzard. Even the music is irritating. But what do you expect when you make a movie based on costumes you found lying around the set of Tank Girl? But I guess when four brothers write a movie about kung-fu kangaroos and all of them insist on having the 'M.D.' tag placed after their names, it's really hard to take the final product seriously. Hey, guys. Be doctors and let the writers write. I know I wouldn't want Akiva Goldsman taking my appendix out.
Finally, we come to Battlefield: Earth. This movie, in theory, should have been good. It has a decent sci-fi theme to it. Barry Pepper does his best to make the movie good but, in the end, it all falls down. The set up is hokey and unbelievable (humans degenerate into bush-people in a mere thousand years?) Battlefield: Earth also epitomizes the ideal that "the black man always dies." Ridiculous. Of course, what would you expect from L. Ron Hubbard, the author of Dianetics? This movie should be shown to anyone who takes Scientology seriously; if this doesn't make them see the fraud that Hubbard is, then they deserve to live segregated on some gated island and drink the Kool-Aid.
After that, I had had enough. Luckily Spider-Man came on and I was able to retain my sanity. It's reasons like this that I hate getting sick.
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